Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: It’s Ammmmmmmmmmmmerican Idol! With a special guest appearance by a dress from Chrrrrrrrrrristian Siriano! Kimberly Locke is performing her new single tonight, and I have some secret inside information (from a short little birdie with a bi-level fashion hawk) that a certain Project Runway designer created her dress.

9:01: It’s group jam time. Oh, Jason Castro. The dance is right, together, left, together. How can you manage to fuck that up and make it hot? Is this love? Is that what love is?

9:07: Now there’s a mini-documentary about the singers recording songs for iTunes. Mac. Ford. Coca-cola. Seriously, if you’re going to make me sit through veiled commercials for an hour, SEND ME SOME FREE SHIT.

9:10: REEEEEEEEEECAP. Who got the keys to my jeep? Vroom. I theorize that forty minutes of this damn show is shit we’ve already seen.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: Kellie Pickler and her new boobs are in the house! Let’s all pretend we’re listening to her sing and not staring at the monstrosities she bought right after we booted her.

9:01: Medley number two. Everybody gets a solo! Except for scary Amanda Overmyer! Oh, wait, no, she gets the last line. That’s right. AMANDA GETS THE LAST WORD or everyone fucking gets a boot to the groin.

9:13: Brooke is in the top ten and still so completely awkward. Has she had a body her entire life? Because it’s like she just figured out she has legs and isn’t quite sure how to work them in a way that resembles human locomotion.

9:15: Shocker! Carly Bitchson is in the bottom three! And David Archuleta is safe, and smiling, and somewhere a baby on the brink of death is saved. Michael Johns is also through to the top ten. Congrats, soap star. You are both bold and beautiful.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

Note: You know what? No. I’m not doing this. Five hours a week is a lot to spend with Ryan Seacrest and his off-center nose. I’ll be back when it gets to the top 12. Promise.

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. Tonight: the top 24 boys. Check back here tomorrow and Thursday for the girls and the results show.

7:57: I have to admit, I’ve barely been watching the audition freakshow this year. While I’m usually glued to the zitty, greasy-haired, clog-wearing, tone deaf mess, this year it’s just been kind of low on my list of priorities. Another thing I’m less than thrilled about: spending five hours a week with that trained ferret Seacrest. Because the reality of spending this much time watching American Idol in my basement is somewhat disheartening, this is the part where I insist you picture me on a bed piled with satin pink pillows wearing a housecoat lined in feathers, petting a poodle, smoking a Virginia Slim in a long pink cigarette holder, and dictating this to a shirtless Italian.

8:00: And here we go. Seacrest bounces down the stairs like a puppy toward a sea of fresh newspaper.

8:02: He very quickly introduces the top twelve guys. They appear to be drawn from a second grade social studies textbook. You know, one that obviously strives to include one of every race and body type in the illustrations? The only way this could be any more Rainbow Connection would be to actually wheel out a contestant in an iron lung.

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Photos and interview by Brad Walsh

In the first two episodes of this fourth season of Project Runway, youngest designer Christian Siriano went from promising golden boy to the bottom two when turkeyfish Nina Garcia complained that his creation was too “fashion eighties.” So far he’s forged one of the favorite pieces and one of the least-appreciated, but he seems to be most talked about as the one who’s likely to be at the center of whatever dramatic hullabaloo presents itself each week. Some people, of course, revel in that and hope for the worst. Others are simply fans of him and his work. What does he think of the hot and cold reaction thus far?

BRAD: People either seem to be completely infatuated with you on the show, or they can’t stand you.

CHRISTIAN: I think it’s great that viewers have such strong opinions about me! That was my intention, to some extent… (READ MORE)

by Kathy Cacace

8:51: I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to sit here, in front of the fan, in my leggings, eating 99-cent popsicles. But the thought of a Britney performance going un-judged made my fingers actually itch. Thus, here we are. Some questions before we begin: Who is this British guy on the red carpet? Why has John Norris, a man I love unconditionally, persisted with the blond hair? Why did no one tell Paris Hilton that she literally has the same haircut as Betty White circa Golden Girls? Why has no one called out Nicole Scherzingschawartzenwhatever for being in Eden’s Crush? SERIOUSLY, how are the Foo Fighters still kicking? Shouldn’t they have gone the way of Soul Asylum by now? Is that guy from Linkin Park actually descended from rodents?

9:00: I am so depressed. The show started on a closeup of Britney’s terrible extensions, then focused on her slightly stubbly armpits, and then I realized she’s lip syncing and now she sort of isn’t actually dancing. It’s like watching a Cleveland drag queen whose wig isn’t bobby-pinned down well enough to permit actual head movement, or really any movement beyond some booty popping. This makes me want to eat an entire carton of ice cream, chain smoke a pack of menthols and have an abortion.

9:04: Sarah Silverman is like the English teacher you knew was sort of slutty outside of school, and sometimes taught class a little hungover. She just made a vagina out of her mouth and even Fifty Cent was like uh, ew.

9:13: Rihanna wins Monster Single of the Year. Her dress wins Monster Boob Dam of the Night.

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