1. Tonight Kathy and I will be doing an IMpersonal liveblog of the American Idol finale [we gave up when I got drunk and bored, so Kathy just added on to last night’s post, right below this one], mixing this and this seamlessly and with plenty of disdain.

2. Just randomly checked this and was surprised… from this server alone, based on a post with a download link long since buried way back in this blog, my Ashlee Simpson remix has been downloaded almost 80,000 times. That’s a lotta Ashlee.

Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: It’s Ammmmmmmmmmmmerican Idol! With a special guest appearance by a dress from Chrrrrrrrrrristian Siriano! Kimberly Locke is performing her new single tonight, and I have some secret inside information (from a short little birdie with a bi-level fashion hawk) that a certain Project Runway designer created her dress.

9:01: It’s group jam time. Oh, Jason Castro. The dance is right, together, left, together. How can you manage to fuck that up and make it hot? Is this love? Is that what love is?

9:07: Now there’s a mini-documentary about the singers recording songs for iTunes. Mac. Ford. Coca-cola. Seriously, if you’re going to make me sit through veiled commercials for an hour, SEND ME SOME FREE SHIT.

9:10: REEEEEEEEEECAP. Who got the keys to my jeep? Vroom. I theorize that forty minutes of this damn show is shit we’ve already seen.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: Kellie Pickler and her new boobs are in the house! Let’s all pretend we’re listening to her sing and not staring at the monstrosities she bought right after we booted her.

9:01: Medley number two. Everybody gets a solo! Except for scary Amanda Overmyer! Oh, wait, no, she gets the last line. That’s right. AMANDA GETS THE LAST WORD or everyone fucking gets a boot to the groin.

9:13: Brooke is in the top ten and still so completely awkward. Has she had a body her entire life? Because it’s like she just figured out she has legs and isn’t quite sure how to work them in a way that resembles human locomotion.

9:15: Shocker! Carly Bitchson is in the bottom three! And David Archuleta is safe, and smiling, and somewhere a baby on the brink of death is saved. Michael Johns is also through to the top ten. Congrats, soap star. You are both bold and beautiful.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY - The Results Show

8:58: Two seconds into the show and we’re already plugging that fucking “Horton Hears a Who” movie. And the Whos are wearing Nikes and drinking Pepsi out of Glad disposable cups in next to their Panasonic television. Marc Jacobs. Do I get free shit yet?

9:00: Jim Carrey is in the audience in an elephant costume. Remember when he was all serious and Gondry-ish in “Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?” Me neither.

9:01: The top 12 are doing a tribute to the Lennon/McCartney songbook and there is choreography. Everyone is a total spastic retard, except for David Hernandez, whose gogo is showing.

9:04: Oh god, David Archuleta is dancing and smiling. Let me adopt you! Please? I’ll be the world’s coolest mom! I’ll take you to the mall to get your ear pierced and we can always eat ice cream before dinner.

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by Kathy Cacace

8:51: I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to sit here, in front of the fan, in my leggings, eating 99-cent popsicles. But the thought of a Britney performance going un-judged made my fingers actually itch. Thus, here we are. Some questions before we begin: Who is this British guy on the red carpet? Why has John Norris, a man I love unconditionally, persisted with the blond hair? Why did no one tell Paris Hilton that she literally has the same haircut as Betty White circa Golden Girls? Why has no one called out Nicole Scherzingschawartzenwhatever for being in Eden’s Crush? SERIOUSLY, how are the Foo Fighters still kicking? Shouldn’t they have gone the way of Soul Asylum by now? Is that guy from Linkin Park actually descended from rodents?

9:00: I am so depressed. The show started on a closeup of Britney’s terrible extensions, then focused on her slightly stubbly armpits, and then I realized she’s lip syncing and now she sort of isn’t actually dancing. It’s like watching a Cleveland drag queen whose wig isn’t bobby-pinned down well enough to permit actual head movement, or really any movement beyond some booty popping. This makes me want to eat an entire carton of ice cream, chain smoke a pack of menthols and have an abortion.

9:04: Sarah Silverman is like the English teacher you knew was sort of slutty outside of school, and sometimes taught class a little hungover. She just made a vagina out of her mouth and even Fifty Cent was like uh, ew.

9:13: Rihanna wins Monster Single of the Year. Her dress wins Monster Boob Dam of the Night.

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