Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

We’ve finally reached the end of the road. The long, stupid, boring, endless, tone-deaf, oddly styled, kind of Mormon, slightly smarmy, David-ly named road. May the best David win.

WEDNESDAY: THE FINALE

8:23: Brad and I were going to IM this whole finale, but we gave up when we realized there are only so many puns with the word “David” in it, even with two brains working on it. So, we’re ending this season like we began it: stuck with me, dorks.

8:25: They brought back Jason Castro to sing “Hallelujah” again, and, again, I’m as seduced as the first time. I can’t believe I made it through this entire season with my love for a hippie intact. Jason Castro: this is an open letter to you. You’re third runner up on the seventh season of this stupid show. This is a fame that will not endure. My love though…that’ll last at LEAST until there’s a cute contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

8:28: They bring out all the girl contestants to sing a Donna Summer medley. Everyone’s dressed in red. There’s choreography. Amanda Overmeyer (man, I seriously MISSED her!) is stomping around like a Clydesdale. Then they announce…get ready for this surprise…Donna Summer is going to sing!

8:30: A pair of men walk Donna down the stairs like she’s the Queen Mother. Her hair looks like she just pulled it out of the bag. Just because it’s synthetic doesn’t mean you can’t run a comb through it, lady.

8:34: Aw, she’s singing “Last Dance.” This song is kind of one of my secret joys in life; I don’t even have it on my iPod because I don’t want to wear it out. Like “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.” Look, if this show can’t be interesting, I might as well reveal all of my secret shames.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:01: I missed the first minute of the show because I was washing silverware. That’s how exciting my life is — or, maybe, how exciting this show is. I’m going to go ahead and assume that Ryan tripped, fell, split his pants, bruised his tailbone, cried for his mother, and Paula tried to kiss the wound.

9:03: The contestants sing “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,” and this is the first time I’ve really missed Jason and his idiotic caveman dancing. Idol time moves so fast…it feels like he’s been gone so long! He’s like someone we all kissed at summer camp when we were twelve.

9:08: The Ford commercial dredges up that “How Far is Heaven” song by, I think, Los Lonely Boys? Remember when you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing that song? Thanks, Idol. It took me half a decade to get that song out of my head and now it’s back with a vengeance.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:00: Ryan announces that they got 51 million votes last night. How many people voted in the presidential primaries so far?

9:02: Oh, come ON. Seriously? Bo Bice AND Maroon 5? I feel like I’m stuck in a bear trap and I have to chew my own foot off to survive. Now they’re all singing “Reeling in the Years.” Great. I’m having fun! This is entertainment! I am entertained!

9:04: Still, still with the choreography. Thank god my landlord came for my rent check. See? That is how good this is. I would rather hand over half my monthly salary in one swoop than watch the rest of this fucking number.

9:13: After an endless recap (we know, we were here yesterday, we fucking saw this go down), Ryan brings out a particularly Aw Shucksy Archuleta. He’s safe, of course, because a nation of pedophiles has access to cellphones.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:01: The contestants do their tribute to Neil. Why do they insist on the choreography? Not one of the remaining contestants can do anything other than look epileptic when asked to do complicated dances like “step left, step right.” This is really terrible! Everyone sounds flat except for David Archuleta. David Cook is yelling about “brother love.” I’ve never wished for a room full of teenage boys making gay jokes before, but there’s a first time for everything.

9:08: Hot Topic Glocksen is back in the audience! Apparently she and Constantine Maroulis are hosting some highly-watched show on some very successful channel called Fox Reality with all of the behind the scenes gossip.

9:12: Paula is crying. Ryan is defending her, saying the “rumors are not true.” Yeah, well, if she can’t blame last night’s thinking she’d seen two performances when she’d only seen one on being high as fuck, she’s an actual handicapped person. Have it your way, Paula.

9:14: My boyfriend Jason Castro is safe. Ryan Seacrest is acting whiter than I’ve ever seen him act: he calls Jason “J-Cast” and then explains how his cue card says “the bomb,” but Randy usually says “da bomb.” You are all that and a bag of chips! Slap me five, jive turkey! Black words black words black words!

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:00: “Cloverfield” came today via Netflix. All that is standing between me and the blockbuster that everyone in the universe saw on the big screen but me is an hour of this bullshit. I could not be any less stoked.

9:01: The top six are singing “All I Ask of You.” The Web is playing the piano, but the angle of the camera and the look on his face just make it look like he’s doing something lewd.

9:10: After an endless recap, ALW hops out on his webbed feet and expounds about how difficult it is to sing on television. He actually looks like a dummy up on his little stool, his head jerking all over, looking around for laughs after he makes stupid joke after stupid joke. They didn’t interview Dolly. They didn’t interview Mariah. I’d rather listen to Carrie Underwood thank Jesus for fifteen minutes than this.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:01: Paula appears to be wearing a wrist corsage on her neck. We’re in for a good night.

9:02: Jason Castro is opening “One Sweet Day,” a Mariah/Boyz II Men classic I’d completely forgotten until this very moment. I’m seduced. It’s like I’m in the cafeteria of Mildred E. Strang Middle School once again, leaning on the wall and looking at the boys on the other side of the room, dreamily hoping one of them will ask me to dance even though they all had mushrooms and acne and smelled like their fathers’ Brut.

9:08: Some guy named Scott is in the audience. He is bald and wearing argyle. Apparently he’s the dude responsible for “This is My Now.” Way to go, Scott. Thanks. I’d love to see the rest of your repertoire, which I can only assume includes such gems as “That Was My Other Day,” “Someday’s A Thursday,” and “You Are My Used To Were.”

9:12: They’re dividing up the contestants into groups. Jason is on one side of Ryan, and inexplicable fan favorite David Cook is on the other. What is going on here? I’m worried. I’d be sitting on the edge of my seat if I wasn’t sprawled on the floor in leggings and a souvenir Cape Cod sweatshirt purchased for $4.99.

9:15: Carly joins the Jason team. Kristy Leelee Sobieski joins Team David. I join Team Commercial Bathroom Break.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: IDOL GIVES BACK

7:30: Liveblogging from my parents’ couch! Eating popsicles. With my mom.

7:31: Whoa, clash of the reality show worlds! The kids from “So You Think You Can Dance” are dancing circles around the contestants and it’s like how, in middle school you’d be out at the mall with your friends and you’d maybe see someone you knew from church choir and there’d be that weird interaction where everyone would pretend that you all belonged in the same place.

7:38: George Lopez and Kylie Minogue are asking for my money in Spanish and Gibberish, respectively.

7:39: Now Maria Shriver is on stage with a bunch of people in nonprofit t-shirts and wheelchairs. She’s asking for us to give our time, and I’d gladly do so if she’d let me make a refreshing glass of orange juice on her face.

7:41: Watching Ryan Seacrest say the words “Snoop Dogg” made me think “Cracker!” and I am POLISH.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:57: Okay, God’s honest truth, I’m liveblogging in a towel because I just got out of the shower. That may be gross for you to know, but there’s something about seeing my boyfriend Jason Castro through slightly steamy glasses lenses that makes him all the more attractive. I’m a weird girl, y’all.

8:58: They’re hauling out all nine finalists to sing “9 to 5.” Oh fuck, and they’re making Jason line dance. It’s pathetic and charming, but in the way that makes me fear that movie “Pumpkin” may not be such a satire.

9:05: Recap, which is exciting for me because I missed everything yesterday. Quick responses: David poofed his hair up! I missed “Jolene!” Fuck! Syesha is so lucky Dolly wrote “I Will Always Love You”! Did Carly get a weave? Is Michael wearing an ascot? Dolly looks more and more like a marionette as the years pass!

9:07: Michael Johns is safe, and I think he’s wearing a Dolly shirt. Way to suck up, fucker. The only way he gets Dolly suck-up cred is if he wore HER. Is that joke overtly sexual enough? Michael should fuck Dolly for votes, that’s what I’m saying here.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: It’s Ammmmmmmmmmmmerican Idol! With a special guest appearance by a dress from Chrrrrrrrrrristian Siriano! Kimberly Locke is performing her new single tonight, and I have some secret inside information (from a short little birdie with a bi-level fashion hawk) that a certain Project Runway designer created her dress.

9:01: It’s group jam time. Oh, Jason Castro. The dance is right, together, left, together. How can you manage to fuck that up and make it hot? Is this love? Is that what love is?

9:07: Now there’s a mini-documentary about the singers recording songs for iTunes. Mac. Ford. Coca-cola. Seriously, if you’re going to make me sit through veiled commercials for an hour, SEND ME SOME FREE SHIT.

9:10: REEEEEEEEEECAP. Who got the keys to my jeep? Vroom. I theorize that forty minutes of this damn show is shit we’ve already seen.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: Kellie Pickler and her new boobs are in the house! Let’s all pretend we’re listening to her sing and not staring at the monstrosities she bought right after we booted her.

9:01: Medley number two. Everybody gets a solo! Except for scary Amanda Overmyer! Oh, wait, no, she gets the last line. That’s right. AMANDA GETS THE LAST WORD or everyone fucking gets a boot to the groin.

9:13: Brooke is in the top ten and still so completely awkward. Has she had a body her entire life? Because it’s like she just figured out she has legs and isn’t quite sure how to work them in a way that resembles human locomotion.

9:15: Shocker! Carly Bitchson is in the bottom three! And David Archuleta is safe, and smiling, and somewhere a baby on the brink of death is saved. Michael Johns is also through to the top ten. Congrats, soap star. You are both bold and beautiful.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY - The Results Show

8:58: Two seconds into the show and we’re already plugging that fucking “Horton Hears a Who” movie. And the Whos are wearing Nikes and drinking Pepsi out of Glad disposable cups in next to their Panasonic television. Marc Jacobs. Do I get free shit yet?

9:00: Jim Carrey is in the audience in an elephant costume. Remember when he was all serious and Gondry-ish in “Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?” Me neither.

9:01: The top 12 are doing a tribute to the Lennon/McCartney songbook and there is choreography. Everyone is a total spastic retard, except for David Hernandez, whose gogo is showing.

9:04: Oh god, David Archuleta is dancing and smiling. Let me adopt you! Please? I’ll be the world’s coolest mom! I’ll take you to the mall to get your ear pierced and we can always eat ice cream before dinner.

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Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

Note: You know what? No. I’m not doing this. Five hours a week is a lot to spend with Ryan Seacrest and his off-center nose. I’ll be back when it gets to the top 12. Promise.

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. Tonight: the top 24 boys. Check back here tomorrow and Thursday for the girls and the results show.

7:57: I have to admit, I’ve barely been watching the audition freakshow this year. While I’m usually glued to the zitty, greasy-haired, clog-wearing, tone deaf mess, this year it’s just been kind of low on my list of priorities. Another thing I’m less than thrilled about: spending five hours a week with that trained ferret Seacrest. Because the reality of spending this much time watching American Idol in my basement is somewhat disheartening, this is the part where I insist you picture me on a bed piled with satin pink pillows wearing a housecoat lined in feathers, petting a poodle, smoking a Virginia Slim in a long pink cigarette holder, and dictating this to a shirtless Italian.

8:00: And here we go. Seacrest bounces down the stairs like a puppy toward a sea of fresh newspaper.

8:02: He very quickly introduces the top twelve guys. They appear to be drawn from a second grade social studies textbook. You know, one that obviously strives to include one of every race and body type in the illustrations? The only way this could be any more Rainbow Connection would be to actually wheel out a contestant in an iron lung.

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