Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:01: I missed the first minute of the show because I was washing silverware. That’s how exciting my life is — or, maybe, how exciting this show is. I’m going to go ahead and assume that Ryan tripped, fell, split his pants, bruised his tailbone, cried for his mother, and Paula tried to kiss the wound.

9:03: The contestants sing “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,” and this is the first time I’ve really missed Jason and his idiotic caveman dancing. Idol time moves so fast…it feels like he’s been gone so long! He’s like someone we all kissed at summer camp when we were twelve.

9:08: The Ford commercial dredges up that “How Far is Heaven” song by, I think, Los Lonely Boys? Remember when you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing that song? Thanks, Idol. It took me half a decade to get that song out of my head and now it’s back with a vengeance.

9:12: Fantasia is singing a song called “Bore Me.” You can make this joke yourselves, right? I can just go to the bathroom?

9:14: She is such a weird badass–she’s got pink hair, she’s stomping around in shoes I’m not sure she can really walk in, and she’s dancing like a stripper marionette. Man, she can sing, though. Like, unsarcastically, her voice is crazy.

9:21: Recap of David Archuleta back home in Utah. There’s a lot of, “Oh, Gosh…oh man…” and “Oh gosh, the high school cheerleaders are here!” A rowdy fan nearly tears his arm off. Then he cries on stage and Goshes some more and thanks everyone for caring. “I can’t believe so many people turned out…Gosh, where did they all park?”

9:23: The Gosh count is at, like, 600. This is so wholesome I feel like I just ate a bowl of oatmeal.

9:26: Okay, now they’re showing a David Archuleta montage. They usually reserve these for departures, but I guess there’s a whole goddamn hour to fill and only three decisions to reveal. Can’t Fantasia just sing again? Wait, commercial break? Gosh, I goshing hate this show. You can gosh this whole show right in the goshhole.

9:31: During Syesha’s visit home to Sarasota, Florida, a crazy woman makes Syesha hold her baby for a picture. I mean, she thrusts her baby into Syesha’s departing arms and only kind of keeps up as bodyguards push her out of the way. Thank god. Your baby will have a terrified photo with the third runner up of season 7 of American Idol. Keep that one in the safety deposit box in case of fire.

9:36: Syesha montage. Commercial break. Lather, rinse, repeat.

9:42: Now it’s David fucking Cook’s turn. They drag his younger brother up on stage and it’s awkward as all get out.

9:45: I can’t believe David Cook gets a police escort. I have seen half of Hollywood walking around on the street in New York without so much as a bodyguard, but David Cook gets a stretch SUV and 400 cops on his tail.

9:48: David Cook montage. Hey, remember when he had the front of his hair dyed red like he was a teenage girl who loves Tori Amos and anime and Neil Gaiman and Ghost World?

9:56: Alright, finally, Jesus Christ. Gosh and golly, cheese and rice, it’s David Archuleta and David Cook in the finale. See you here next week for the timeless battle of Shucks vs. Smarm. Who will prevail? Who the fuck cares? Someone get me a goddamn drink.

9:59: Okay, I just read that back and this show has turned me into Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous. FUCK YOU SEACREST.

TUESDAY: THE TOP THREE PERFORM

7:57: I am so close to sweet, sweet freedom on my Tuesdays and Wednesdays I can almost taste it, and it tastes like whiskey. The shackles of American Idol are weakening. YOU CAN’T KEEP ME HERE FOREVER, YOU SADISTS.

8:01: Ryan rushes the “mmmmerican” part of the intro. We’re cursed.

8:03: This is the week when we do the extraordinarily painful–NO, WAIT, HOLD UP, okay, so they’re doing visits to the contestants’ hometowns and Mayor Snarr of Someplace Mormon, Utah, has an unbelievable handlebar mustache. You would NOT believe me if I tried to explain it. He’s also wearing an American flag shirt. And I wonder why Archuleta’s a little weird…he was raised in a town run by an extra from Baron Munchausen.

8:05: Archuleta sings Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes,” a song Paula picked for him to sing. It’s good. Let’s keep this thing moving, Chriiiiist. I feel like I’m stuck in the car waiting for my mother outside K-Mart.

8:11: Syesha’s singing “If I Ain’t Got You,” by Alicia Keys. Randy picked it. Great. I’m thrilled. Her hair’s all flat and she’s wearing a floor-length sparkly gown, hereby making her transformation into Beyonce complete.

8:16: Simon Cowell picked “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack for David Cook to sing, which proves that he is the only person on this show with any kind of a sense of humor. Belt it, sister.

8:18: One old woman is standing in the audience. But not like, standing and swaying or clapping or anything, she’s standing like it’s time for the pledge.

8:19: Hiya Marilu Henner. They seated her right behind Paula. Apparently there’s a Crazies Only section.

8:25: David Archuleta picked “With You” by Chris Brown to sing. Him singing “Boo,” and also, “little mama,” makes me kind of uncomfortable. Like maybe an FBI agent feels when they have to read through IMs between 13-year-olds and 47-year-olds?

8:30: Brad: What’s Syesha singing?
Me: “Fever.”
Brad: “FREEBIRD?”
Me: I gotta write that down.

8:31: Syesha’s got a short sparkly dress on now. She’s dancing around a chair. I’m having terrible flashbacks to middle school musicals, but also flash forwards, Lost-style, to her in the touring company of Chicago in a few months.

8:39: FUCK YOU DAVID COOK AND YOUR SWITCHFOOT. GOD I HATE YOU AND I HATE THIS AND I FUCKING WANT BLOOD.

8:41: Real sign from the audience: COUGARS 4 COOK.

8:43: David Archuleta: La, la, la, singing Dan Fogelberg.
Brad: OW, I JUST PUNCHED MY BALLS! Is ball pain the same as tit pain?
Me: [Shoots self in face.]

8:50: The producers pick “Hit Me Up” for Syesha. It’s from the Happy Feet soundtrack. Blah. Fuck penguins, fuck tap dancing, fuck this show.

8:57: Okay, David Cook is singing that Aerosmith song from Armageddon. Now. Honestly. This is on the American Idol Playstation game, and I can say that I have watched at least 6 drunkass drunkies attempt this song, myself included, and each one was more enjoyable than this drivel.

9:01: See you tomorrow. If I’ve gotta be here, so do you.