Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:01: The contestants do their tribute to Neil. Why do they insist on the choreography? Not one of the remaining contestants can do anything other than look epileptic when asked to do complicated dances like “step left, step right.” This is really terrible! Everyone sounds flat except for David Archuleta. David Cook is yelling about “brother love.” I’ve never wished for a room full of teenage boys making gay jokes before, but there’s a first time for everything.

9:08: Hot Topic Glocksen is back in the audience! Apparently she and Constantine Maroulis are hosting some highly-watched show on some very successful channel called Fox Reality with all of the behind the scenes gossip.

9:12: Paula is crying. Ryan is defending her, saying the “rumors are not true.” Yeah, well, if she can’t blame last night’s thinking she’d seen two performances when she’d only seen one on being high as fuck, she’s an actual handicapped person. Have it your way, Paula.

9:14: My boyfriend Jason Castro is safe. Ryan Seacrest is acting whiter than I’ve ever seen him act: he calls Jason “J-Cast” and then explains how his cue card says “the bomb,” but Randy usually says “da bomb.” You are all that and a bag of chips! Slap me five, jive turkey! Black words black words black words!

9:16: David Archuleta is safe as well. And apparently he’s got a tap dancer in his family? Someone seated next to his father is wearing a red sequined vest and what appears to be a matching corsage on her head.

9:24: They unveil the winner of the judges’ Coke cup redesign contest. We can go to the website to see the winning design up close. Oh thank god! Yay! Quick, everyone go to the website right now! No wait, we’ll all crash it! No one go! I want to see it first!

9:25: Cook is safe, of course, leaving Brooke and Syesha once again. If Syesha goes, I am fucking staging a march because Brooke’s only talent is having hair.

9:31: Everyone gets a stay of execution for a minute while Natasha Bedingfield sings. She’s amazing live! I hate every one of her songs, but she has a really really good voice.

9:35: Aw, and then she attacks little David Archuleta who must’ve confessed some kind of crush on her. She says she’ll go to the prom with him. She doesn’t mean it, but I would. I want to go to the prom with him!

9:38: Okay, we’re doing the call-in part of the show and, from the bottom of some British swamp they’ve dredged up the first girl Simon ever kissed. I don’t know that there’s a point to this entire thing except to make me cover my eyes and hide under the coffee table in empathy.

9:46: Now we have to sit here and listen to Neil Diamond. He’s doing a song of his new album called “Pretty Amazing Grace,” which I really hope is yet another Jesus song…being performed by the “Jewish Elvis.” I call bullshit! He’s not playing the guitar! And his backup singers are all a hundred and fifty years old and dancing like your aunt at a cruise ship salsa lesson. I want to be dead right now. Seriously.

9:50: Neil Diamond’s mother’s in the audience — and alive! I’m floored.

9:56: We’re back to the elimination. Brooke’s crying again. And she deserves to! Because that bitch is finally going home! She’s like all sobbing from her chest into Syesha’s microphone and I’m loving every minute of this. See you, lady. Go diffuse your hair.

TUESDAY: THE TOP 5 PERFORM

8:01: You know a television show is bad when you think, “Oh thank GOD, it’s only an hour!” And then you realize it’s an hour of Neil Diamond, and then you think, “Oh God, it’s an ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR.” This is the first episode where the contestants will be singing two songs. Fantastic.

8:04: My boyfriend Jason Castro is up first. He forgets the words to “Forever in Blue Jeans” in front of Neil Diamond, and then he smacks himself in the forehead. Were that I were that hand, smacking yon head.

8:06: This is cute and all, but when the strings come in it’s still SO NEIL DIAMOND. This is how the whole night is going to go, isn’t it? The song will be all r&b (Syesha) or Daughtry (David Cook) or terrible (Brooke), but then halfway through it will be nonstop Neil.

8:11: David Cook is singing a song called “I’m Alive,” which I don’t think I know. I’m sure it’s all piano + strings + smarm + chest hair, like every other Neil Diamond song, but right now it sounds like it might be a number they cut from the end of “Rent” because they realized it sounded a little Neil Diamond.

8:16: Brooke is doing “I’m A Believer,” but she keeps “woo!”-ing in the middle, that twat. Wearing bellbottoms and playing up-tempo pop doesn’t make you any more likeable.

8:17: Because they’re trying to squeeze in two performances per finalist, the judges aren’t giving any commentary until after the second performance. They’ve barely been on camera at all, so I can only assume Randy is talking loudly into his cell like someone you would want to punch on the F train, Paula is alseep, and Simon is smoking in his dressing room and counting down the remaining days of this painful season on a big calendar with a Sharpie attached to it by a piece of yarn.

8:22: Little David Archuleta is singing “Sweet Caroline,” and the whole audience is singing the “ba ba ba” part. I wonder about the fight that went down backstage to get this song — how can you NOT vote for someone singing this stupid song? I feel like I’ve had 7 beers just listening to it and I’m standing on top of a bar.

8:25: Syesha’s singing “Hello.” I hate this song. I’m more concerned about the fact that she appears to have stolen Carly’s hair, which I can only assume she was required to leave in the dressing room when she was booted.

8:27: WHAT THE FUCK. Okay, so, Ryan just started asking the judges to give their opinions on the first round of songs. Randy manages to run through his written comments pretty naturally. Paula then gets flustered, and gives Jason Castro her comments on both of his performances. She liked the first, but didn’t love the second. Which is funny, because he hasn’t performed his second song yet. Everyone is confused, Paula is more confused, there is going to be an Inside Edition special on how this show is rigged, and then they go to commercial.

8:36: Jason sings again, but I’m still stuck on the fact that Paula read both comments that were clearly written for her by the producers and had NO IDEA that he hadn’t yet performed his second song. Seriously! Whatever pills this lady is on, please, get me a handful because that is how I want to float through my bullshit daily life.

8:37: David fucking Cook is singing “All I Need Is You,” or whatever it’s called. It sounds like a Lifehouse b-side. Good job.

8:46: Brooke is singing “I Am, I Said.” Whenever I hear this song title, I can only think of that Stone Temple Pilots song “Sex Type Thing.” I wanna get NEXT to you…I wanna get CLOSE to you…I really wish Brooke was singing that and scandalizing the Latter-day Saints to their cores.

8:47: David Archuleta is singing “Coming to America.” He really is a little whore for the inspirational jams isn’t he? This should really be a duet with wil.i.am and Maddox Jolie.

8:49: Oh geez, his voice cracked a little bit and it just made me want to have kids.

8:53: Syesha is singing “I Thank the Lord for the Night Time” and all I can think is 1. I thank the lord that this is almost over and 2. I wish the contestants had to do costume changes in the middle of the show. Except maybe into real costumes. Like, what if she did this as a medieval wench? And Jason did his second song as a giant bunny? I am so goddamn bored.

8:58: Have some Andy Recap’s Hot Fries. Ovaries, I command you to stop liking Jason! He sucks! This show sucks! Get me out of here!