Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

9:01: Paula appears to be wearing a wrist corsage on her neck. We’re in for a good night.

9:02: Jason Castro is opening “One Sweet Day,” a Mariah/Boyz II Men classic I’d completely forgotten until this very moment. I’m seduced. It’s like I’m in the cafeteria of Mildred E. Strang Middle School once again, leaning on the wall and looking at the boys on the other side of the room, dreamily hoping one of them will ask me to dance even though they all had mushrooms and acne and smelled like their fathers’ Brut.

9:08: Some guy named Scott is in the audience. He is bald and wearing argyle. Apparently he’s the dude responsible for “This is My Now.” Way to go, Scott. Thanks. I’d love to see the rest of your repertoire, which I can only assume includes such gems as “That Was My Other Day,” “Someday’s A Thursday,” and “You Are My Used To Were.”

9:12: They’re dividing up the contestants into groups. Jason is on one side of Ryan, and inexplicable fan favorite David Cook is on the other. What is going on here? I’m worried. I’d be sitting on the edge of my seat if I wasn’t sprawled on the floor in leggings and a souvenir Cape Cod sweatshirt purchased for $4.99.

9:15: Carly joins the Jason team. Kristy Leelee Sobieski joins Team David. I join Team Commercial Bathroom Break.

9:20: Oh jesus, the Ford commerical this week is a terrifying Marilyn Manson “Beautiful People” kind of thing, with all of the contestants dressed up like weird 50s puppets. This does not make me want a Focus.

9:22: El(l?)iot(t?) Yamin is singing some song called “Free.” I’m still not used to his giant new teeth. Listening to him sing, it seems he’s not either.

9:23: His hand has “We Miss You Mom” written on it, which is really sad because she died this week. I remember a particularly fun awkward moment between her and Ryan. I’ll take a joke moment of silence until 9:25.

9:26: Syesha joins Jason and Carly. Brooke joins David and Kristy. David Archuleta is stranded backstage. This is weird and stupid.

9:32: God I hate this call-in stuff. Someone asks Kristy about her stupid horse, someone asks the judges what stupid records they bought as kids. Someone asks a particularly stupid question about which of her own songs Paula thinks might describe her relationship with Simon, and then some slut dreaming big asks if David is single. He is. Shocker.

9:36: Mariah!

9:39: This song blows. Because I am genuinely afraid she will have me killed for saying that, I’ll compliment her microphone stand (completely covered in Swarovski crystals!) and the fact that, minus the straight hair, she now looks exactly like she did in the video for “Hero.”

9:40: Again, not throwing any stones at Scary Carey, but did she lip sync the end of the song?

9:47: Back to the eliminations. David Archuleta is safe.

9:48: David Cook swaps places with Syesha, and now Archuleta is asked to join the group that he thinks is safe. He sits on the floor. We’ve seen this shtick before, haven’t we? But now David Cook and Jason Castro are sitting on the floor with him, and Carly is doing the best she can to squat in a very high-waisted skirt. They’re all safe! It’s a taco-fest of a bottom three: Kristy, Brooke and Syesha.

9:54: Syesha is safe, leaving one of the Sweet Valley Twins up for elimination.

9:55: Kristy Lee Chicken Fried Barbie Cook is going home! America, you’ve offically voted off all of my weekly jokes, with the exception of my boyfriend Jason, but that’s not a joke. That is LOVE. I can’t live if living is without him. I can’t blog. I can’t blog any more.

TUESDAY: THE TOP 7 PERFORM

8:00: Mariah Carey week = Minnie Driver, Teri Hatcher and daughter Emerson, and possibly that fat guy from “Head of the Class” sitting in the audience. Nothing but the A-List for Mariah!

8:04: David describes meeting Mariah Carey as “scary.” Agreed, kiddo! I love Mariah seriously and unironically, but I am scared shitless of her. Granted, new skinny Mariah seems well medicated, but I have no doubt in my mind that she would claw my eyes out if I spoke ill of her.

8:05: Inspirational joint (that Whitney/Mariah duet) from the little Archulangel that’s uplifting in an electric keyboard/gospel choir/Disney credits kind of way. I’m trying to think who might be the best duet partner for little David for this song, in a Whitney/Mariah kind of way. Christopher Cross? Singing kittens?

8:15: Carly is singing one of my all time favorite suicide anthems, Harry Nilsson’s “Without You.” The greatest part about this song is that everyone sounds a little bit like a drunk bridesmaid who’s wrested the microphone from the wedding band singer. She sounds good but the Mariah version is a little bit gospelly for my taste, which is in general trailer-parky and Camel Light-y and depressing.

8:24: Syesha is singing another Mariah song I don’t really love. Mariah isn’t even bringing the crazy. I’m beginning to get pissed at how boring this is turning out to be. She sounds good. Mariah looks good. No pill-crazed gibberish issuing forth from Paula. SNORE, dudes, SNORE.

8:33: Brook(e? Ye olde Brooke?) is singing “Hero,” which is a big frigging shocker. I hate her, but her hair is looking better and better by the week. That’s something positive. Negatives: her voice, fucking up the chords brutally, this being the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Positives: cute dress. Negatives: my ears are bleeding, I swallowed my tongue.

8:37: Okay, seriously, NO ONE LET SIMON USE METAPHORS. No one gets them, they get out of his control, and then some weird analogy with a hamburger degrades into Paula repeating, “Where’s the beef? Where’s the beef?”

8:41: Kristy Lee Levi Wrangler Osh Kosh B’Gosh is wearing a gold dress just like Syesha. Oh, and Brooke wore a silver number. Is this some proclamation spaketh by Mariah, WHEREAS All Girls Must Wear Metallics Or Face Her Wrath?

8:49: Okay, David Cook chose my favorite Mariah song and I’m not pleased. “Always Be My Baby” should not not not not not sound like Soundgarden.

8:50: No, I was wrong. This sounds like Daughtry covering Aerosmith covering John Mayer covering Mariah.

8:52: And, predictably, the judges eat it up. I’m going to light my radio on fire in protest. And my bra. Mostly because it’s ugly, because I got it at the very end of the Semi-Annual Sale, but that’s really unrelated.

8:57: Jason Castro and Mariah Carey. Men are from Mars, women are from Long Island.

8:58: He manages to sound good this week, totally apart from the slack I usually cut him for being hot and wonderful and goofy and basically everything I want in a boy despite the hair.

9:01: I am not at all making this up when I say that Paula brings up the beef joke again, three times. I need to take a nap. For the rest of the season.