Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: It’s Ammmmmmmmmmmmerican Idol! With a special guest appearance by a dress from Chrrrrrrrrrristian Siriano! Kimberly Locke is performing her new single tonight, and I have some secret inside information (from a short little birdie with a bi-level fashion hawk) that a certain Project Runway designer created her dress.

9:01: It’s group jam time. Oh, Jason Castro. The dance is right, together, left, together. How can you manage to fuck that up and make it hot? Is this love? Is that what love is?

9:07: Now there’s a mini-documentary about the singers recording songs for iTunes. Mac. Ford. Coca-cola. Seriously, if you’re going to make me sit through veiled commercials for an hour, SEND ME SOME FREE SHIT.

9:10: REEEEEEEEEECAP. Who got the keys to my jeep? Vroom. I theorize that forty minutes of this damn show is shit we’ve already seen.

9:14: Chikezie is in the bottom three, which is, I suppose, fair. I don’t know. I’m currently way more concerned with the outfit I’m going to wear tonight. It’s warm. Shorts and tights? What do you think? This is really just about me, after all. Oh, and Brook(e?) is safe.

9:16: Okay, that bitch Carly has officially wormed her way into my heart by admitting her performance was off last night because she was wearing several pairs of Spanx and couldn’t take a breath. I feel you, you bitch.

9:21: The commercial this week was remarkably inoffensive (I Want You to Want Me), but that could be because I cracked a bottle of Southern Comfort back at the 9:07 mark. Also, little baby Archuleta is safe.

9:24: David Cook is safe to ROCK US ANOTHER WEEK, and Michael Johns is safe. Syesha is in the bottom three. I guess this week is when we vote off everyone of color. This is AMMMMERRICAN (WHITE) IDOL!

9:29: Oh Jesus, it’s the call-in portion. Is Chikezie single? Who cares? Who does Brooke want to do a duet with? How about my boot in her teeth? This is fucking paaaainful.

9:33: And here’s Kimberly! I’ve got a guest star in my house (a friend of my little brother) who actually bartends at her bar in upstate New York, so let it be said that he IS WATCHING HIS EMPLOYER AND W00TING.

9:35: What a lovely dress she is wearing! What crazy little genius could make such a lovely gown? I simply don’t know. But I would gladly give him thousands upon thousands of dollars for a similar design, and so should you.

9:43: Ramiele is safe, blowing my theory that it’s brown people go home week.

9:48: It comes down to Kristy Sweet Valley High and my boyfriend. And Jason is in the bottom three! I’ve never actually thought the phrase “WTF?” before, but that’s literally what flashed through my mind.

9:49: Oh sweet Jesus, Jason’s safe. I will light a stick of Nag Champa for you.

9:52: See ya, Chikezie. I don’t really have much to say about you, which probably means it’s good that you’re going home. Ciao bitches, see you next week.

TUESDAY: THE TOP TEN

8:00: I would like to point out that I rushed home from dinner at Yaffa for this. I hurried my carrot dressing for this. For Seacrest.

8:01: But holy shit, was it worth it! Paula is wearing armwarmers! With bracelets over them! And a bedazzled halter dress! She looks like an evil ice skater! I am so fucking stoked right now.

8:03: Ramiele is singing one of my all time favorite songs (seriously), Alone by Heart. Carrie Underwood did this a few years ago, and I remember thinking the same thing then: the backup singer who hits that motherfucking awesome high harmony in the chorus must REALLY understand what it’s like to be the Ann Wilson.

8:07: What is going on with Paula tonight? One of her eyes is half closed and the other looks like it’s crying, and I’m still not over the outfit. Seriously, it looks like they rushed her here from the set of The Cutting Edge 2: Interventions on Ice

8:13: Oh god, it’s my boyfriend Jason Castro’s birthday tonight. You can unwrap my pants ANY TIME YOU WANT. Also, he reveals that he was born in 1987, which practically makes me a child molester. And they’re showing his baby pictures and it just makes me want to have HIS babies. When am I going to get over this?

8:14: The theme tonight is songs from the year of each contestant’s birth. Jason is singing something possibly by Sting. I don’t know. I was too busy imagining what it would be like to make out with him in my backyard.

8:17: Simon says the performance was the equivalent of someone busking outside the subway. If he was performing in my stop on the F, I would fucking move in. I’d haul some boxes down there and build me the best cardboard mansion ever.

8:19: Syesha is singing “If I Were Your Woman.” She sounds good, but she bores me every damn week. My friend Kai says “she’s so boring I went back to Family Guy and I’ve seen this episode 500 times.” At least I’m not the only one. I should just tell you a story every time she sings. Once upon a time…

8:23: …Paula was STILL WEARING ARMWARMERS. The end! That is the best story I can possibly come up with.

8:29: Chikezie’s birthday is September 11. That’s got to really, really suck. I have nothing else to say about this, so I’m just going to let you dwell on a national tragedy.

8:38: Dispatch from the commercial break: when Brooke Shields says her teeth need to be white because “it’s part of her job,” which job is she talking about, exactly? Being in a toothpaste commercial? Because what the hell else is she doing?

8:39: Brook White’s mom is a total hottie! Seriously! I think I just figured out what it’s like to be a twelve year old boy with a crush on his Social Studies teacher.

8:40: Brooke is singing “Every Breath You Take.” She fucked up the beginning of the song, then sort of bungled the piano in the middle. Whatever, she’s not nearly as inept as the audience, who cannot decide whether they are left-right arm waving or right-left arm waving. Come on, America. How long have we been doing the slow arm wave as a people? Like two generations, now? Three? Four? Were the pioneers fucking up the slow arm wave on the Oregon Trail? GET IT TOGETHER.

8:49: Michael Johns is doing “We Will Rock You.” I beg to differ, sir. You will not rock me. In fact, all you will do is make me think you’re about the least rocking dude on the planet.

8:51: Oh man, it’s a MEDLEY! He’s doing “We Are the Champions” now. If the competition was dressing like my high school French teacher at the talent show where he played a song on acoustic guitar while the History teacher sang Janis Joplin, then you are correct. You are the champion.

8:54: Carly Smithson and I are both Virgos. In fact, our birthdays are like three days apart. This gets her a few points from me.

8:56: Whoa, no, she gets like 50 extra gold stars for singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” which is so one of my Nobody’s Home Shower Jams. I feel like she’s trying to get on my good side.

9:04: Oh god, they’re making David Archuleta talk about the prom. And how he might miss it. And how he might possibly have (get ready…) a GIRLFRIEND in the audience. What the hell? Will some hot older man seduce the hell out of this boy already?

9:05: David’s singing some song called “You’re the Voice” that sounds like it might be kind of religious, but that might just be the electric piano. I don’t know what it is about electric piano that makes me think jesus song jesus song jesus song jesus song, but I can’t help it.

9:14: Kristy Supercalafragalisticexpia Lee Docious Cook is singing “God Bless the USA.” Are you KIDDING ME? Are you seriously fucking red white and blue joking? She looks like Marcia Brady and she’s singing the patriot anthem of the 80s. All we need now are some sparklers and a montage of legless veterans.

9:16: aaaaaannnnnnd KEY CHANGE, MOTHERFUCKERS! OH I FUCKING LOVE AMERICA! I MASTURBATE TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS!

9:16:20: CYMBAL CRASH! I FUCKING LOVE THIS LAND!

9:23: David Cook is doing Chris Cornell’s version of “Billie Jean.” I think he’s basically been doing a version of Chris Cornell’s career for the last 8 episodes.

9:25: For some reason Paula is standing to praise his performance, and her outfit appears to just get weirder from the waist down. Is it leggings? Is it really tight jeans? Is it tights? Is it legwarmers? I don’t understand!

9:27: Oh man, it’s over! I thought this shit was going until 10! I was just given the gift of half an hour I thought I had signed over to Seacrest, like a blood oath with the devil. What am I going to do? Who wants to come eat Peeps in bed with me?