Liveblogging the Idol shitshow
by Kathy Cacace

This year I’ll be doing one entry per week that includes coverage of all the episodes. After a false start with the top 24, I’m back from here on out, until the bitter, bitter end. Check back at this entry tomorrow for the results show.

WEDNESDAY: THE RESULTS

8:59: Kellie Pickler and her new boobs are in the house! Let’s all pretend we’re listening to her sing and not staring at the monstrosities she bought right after we booted her.

9:01: Medley number two. Everybody gets a solo! Except for scary Amanda Overmyer! Oh, wait, no, she gets the last line. That’s right. AMANDA GETS THE LAST WORD or everyone fucking gets a boot to the groin.

9:13: Brooke is in the top ten and still so completely awkward. Has she had a body her entire life? Because it’s like she just figured out she has legs and isn’t quite sure how to work them in a way that resembles human locomotion.

9:15: Shocker! Carly Bitchson is in the bottom three! And David Archuleta is safe, and smiling, and somewhere a baby on the brink of death is saved. Michael Johns is also through to the top ten. Congrats, soap star. You are both bold and beautiful.

9:20: Are they really making us watch a behind the scenes documentary on the making of this week’s Ford commercial? Yes. Yes, they are. You know, not everything needs DVD extras.

9:22: Oh man, Michael Johns just described his acting as, “a Susan Lucci kind of performance.” Do I win something? Does the entire internet owe me a Coke?

9:24: Balding David Cook is through to the top ten, but Kristy Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Omega is in the bottom three.

9:30: Oh for Christ’s sake, the fucking phone-in stuff is a weekly fucking segment now. A lady named Cheryl Ann from Nebraska asks Simon a cheeky question about his wardobe that was so 100% not written by the producers, and then things get really weird. There’s something about Simon and Paula kissing and Ryan makes some joke about getting to second base and I want to remove my genitals with an ice cream scooper.

9:33: Oh god, and now there’s a 46 year old woman asking Michael some shit about his expectations. I’m stuck on the fact that this woman is probably someone’s mother, who’s maybe stretched the phone cord into the bathroom to secretly dial and redial her fantasy lover.

9:35: Oh here we go. Kellie Pickler. Do not pay attention to the rack behind the corset top!

9:37: Okay, get this: she’s singing a song called “Red High Heels.” And she’s wearing…ready?….RED HIGH HEELS. The stylist on this show is a subtle genius.

9:46: Fantasia and Elliot Yamin turn in a segment from Africa (I think they said Angola) and there is this bizarre thing where they name a baby after Elliot. Like, they’re filming from a hospital room where a mother has just given birth, and some doctor is telling the camera that they’ll be naming the baby after Elliot frigging Yamin. The mother looks drugged. The baby is asleep. Elliot is crying. So am I. Probably for different reasons.

9:48: Back to the results. Syesha is safe, Chikezie is safe, and Amanda is in the bottom three. Y’all better watch out. You send Amanda home and I bet ten bucks Seacrest ends up with an ass full of buckshot.

9:55: Carly’s safe to make me suspicious of her motives for another week.

9:56: What the fuck? Kristy is safe and Amanda is going home! Look America, if you’re going to keep voting off my punchlines, this is going to be the world’s most boring fucking liveblog ever.

TUESDAY: THE TOP 11 PERFORM

7:57: I am so tired and hungover I would rather stir fry my own eyeballs than spend the next two hours staring at Seacreast’s totally lopsided face and listening to yet another week of vaguely Beatles-esque caterwauling.

8:01: Ryan introduces Randy mid-yawn. This is the first time I have ever felt any kind of a spiritual connection to this moron.

8:05: Okay, now we’re watching a history of the Beatles. Ryan introduced this segment with some comment like, “Just in case you need a refresher on how big a band they were…” Getting Beatles history from Ryan Seacrest is kind of like ordering eggrolls at Epcot and thinking you know China, isn’t it?

8:08: Amanda Overmyer is singing “Back in the U.S.S.R.” I thought for a moment that she was wearing a denim jumpsuit, but because I never get what I want it is really just an ugly shirt with nearly matched jeans. What kind of conversation could she possibly have had with the wardrobe people backstage? “Y’all, gimme some denim. NO, on the top too. And cut those sleeves off. Yeah. Now lick it, you little pussy.” She is SCARY.

8:19: Kristy Bobbie Jo Susie Billie Jean Is Not My Lover is singing “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away” and it is maybe the worst thing I’ve ever heard that was not actually in a production of “Riverdance.”

8:22: Paula just sent the “You look gorgeous tonight” black valentine. Kristy Sleepy Dopey Bashful Grumpy Doc is G-O-N-E gone.

8:24: Aw, David Archuleta is talking and I don’t even know what he’s saying because he’s smiling and it’s so charming. Can’t we just drop this kid into Baghdad and be done with this whole war thing?

8:26: He’s singing “The Long and Winding Road,” and I think everyone in the country concurrently feels like they are front row at a school play and JUST NOW REALIZING, OMG, they love the boy playing Conrad Birdie.

8:35: Michael Johns, the Australian, is singing a 90 second version of “A Day in the Life.” Why? Why would you pick this song to compress? Isn’t this the musical equivalent of 1, 2, skip a few, 99, 100?

8:37: Ew, Jesus. The “I’d love to turn you on” part was so sleazy I actually instinctively crossed my legs.

8:46: The other blond girl, whose name I am physically incapable of remembering, is being Canadian and talking about a cute niece and her husband and blah blah blah, I am so normal, look at my blond ringlets, don’t I look nice in pastel? She’s singing “Here Comes the Sun.”

8:48: Is it really offensive of me to say that, judging by the way she dances, I can tell she really loves Jesus?

8:57: Oh god, we aren’t even halfway through yet. I want to be dead. Please, someone, kill me.

8:58: Bald David Cook is singing “Day Tripper” and I fear there may be vocoder. He’s got a suspicious second microphone. If this happens, someone owes me an ice cream soda, got it?

9:00: I prefer Coke floats with vanilla ice cream. Pay up whenever you like.

9:08: Secret Bitch Carly Smithson is singing “Blackbird,” which is just fucking fantastic. If I even think about the word “Blackbird,” this song gets stuck in my head. I’m particularly stoked that she’s going to be singing this for the next week in the endless cabaret of my brain.

9:13: She’s pulling come crap about being the blackbird with the broken wing, and how flying is singing, and about how they’ve all come so far, and about how she should kiss my entire ass, shut up, JESUS.

9:15: OOOH man, my boyfriend Jason Castro is next. True story: I am using this commercial break to put on lip gloss just in case he can see me through the TV.

9:19: Oh god, Jason Castro is so stupid and I love him anyway. “I just found out that ‘my belle’ is French. I thought it was English. What?” And a dumb chuckle. What is wrong with my ovaries? What are they doing to me? He’s a dreadlocked moron and I would sacrifice a tit to be making out with him right now.

9:21: THE FRENCH. STOP IT. Let’s eat whole wheat baguettes and boutique goat cheese in a field!

9:30: Syesha is singing “Yesterday.” Though I’m loathe to make two seven dwarves jokes in the same blog, she’s so the Doc. That one that you forget every damn time.

9:40: Chikezie is singing one of my all time favorite Beatles songs, and I didn’t think anyone would do it.

9:42: He did it again! He Devil Went Down to Georgia’d “I’ve Just Seen a Face.” I can’t wait to see if he can do this every week. I want to see a harmonica solo during Streisand week. Or Michael Jackson week. Or Tony Basil week.

9:50: Ramiele is talking about how David Cook is like her brother, and then they show a weird shot of her leaning against him semi-provocatively. This is not the sort of relationship I enjoy with my brothers.

9:51: She’s singing “I Should’ve Known Better” and that’s all fine and good, but we need to talk rightnow about how she’s wearing a fedora and a corset over a v-neck. Did she shoplift this outfit? Is that why she’s wearing so many strange layers?

9:55: Gonna bust a recap in yr ass!

9:57: Same time, same place tomorrow. Cacace, out.