The Best of Craigslist Personals—Real Ads, Real Gross
by Kathy Cacace

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

size 0 valentine - (manhattan)
I got one Hershey Kiss and I’m down to bone! Get at me, ladies.

LET ELVIS COME IN TO YOUR HOUSE… –
Absolutely not.

Alone Again On Valentimes day :+( - 55 - (Bklyn)
Man, I hate Valentimes day too! It’s so sad carving punkins down at the nucular power plant, where all the kids play those mischeeveeous pranks.

SHIT MAN! - 23 - (Lower East Side)
It’s a brownie! It’s chocolate pudding! Oh god, what IS that?

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY–HEAR ME CUM ON THE PHONE LADIES NOW!!!! – 24
Nothing says Valentine’s Day than the heavy breathing of a strange Neanderthal.

My Valentine was a dud! - 32 –
With a pnis! Up my poopr!

SHAVEN HEAD, FUNNY, HONEST, MONOGAMOUS – 45
NEO-NAZI, GOOD WITH KIDS, TAURUS, PHILATELIST

Breast & Nipple Play - 41 - (nyc)
Starring Lefty as Rosenjug and Righty as Guildenboob!

WATCH OUT!!!!! HERE COMES CUPID – 29
AMD HES” WAAST!EDDD

READ ME AN SET ME FREE!!!!!!!!!M4W – 31
BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

BLACK MAN SEEKING A SEXY WHITE GIRL…PERIOD! – 25
CAREFUL…WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

Early Riser seeks Early Rise - (GOOD MOANING TO YOU!)
Every week, dude, every FUCKING week. I hate you. I hate you so much. You are my arch-nemesis. I fucking hate you.

I have a child hearth and adult brain - 35 - (Brooklyn) pic
It’s gonna be gooood eatin’ tonight.

Who else is a masturbating loser tonight? - 34 - (Manhattan)
Well, here are my nominees:
-Female earthlings, arise. Throw off your chains; the gods have set
-I found a drill on Craigslist, so I figured I would give this a shot
-if you too worship the beauty of the Pythagorean theorem, then I think
V night with the Squirtmaster - 37 - (Downtown)

My favorite ad today is fantastic because it’s basically straightforward (though how you manage to make a reservation at Da Silvano and not know how to spell the name escapes me), but it’s got the world’s most confusing photograph. What the fuck is going on? At first I thought he was wearing a bathrobe on a Segue in a museum, but that’s not it. Fur coat, massage chair, palace? Bathing suit cover-up, machine parts, bust of Charles II? Small-time pimp, wheelchair, Trump’s apartment? Just click it.