Waisted: Lionel Bitchy
Kathy joined Weight Watchers. Shut up. Because it apparently breaks some weight loss commandment to display even a scintilla of cynicism at meetings, Waisted is where she bitches about eating, not eating, oversharing weight watchers, and probably you.
By Kathy Cacace [Archives]
Happy fucking Valentine’s! Hope fat little cupid spears you all right in your skinny asses and you have lots of bony, pointy, sharp, gangly sex. Fuckers.
In the song I’ve had stuck in my head all motherfucking day, sage old Kool and his Gang advise us to, “Celebrate good times, come on (do do do DO, do DO do doo, YA-HOO!).” I’m doing my best, like Lionel Richie, to get my fat ass dancing on the ceiling, but gravity (and reality) keeps intervening. There’s so much to celebrate: Valentine’s Day, 11 pounds gone in four weeks, Thursday (laudable only for its proximity to Friday), the burrito I brought for lunch, my bangs staying basically in place despite sleeping on them wet, and a Foodswings Valentine’s “date” tonight with my girl boyfriend Jes. But the celebration part (YA-HOO!) keeps getting foiled.
Last night at my WW meeting (P.S., the official gang sign I’ve devised for Weight Watchers is the “whatever” W…but wiggle your index fingers twice, like air quotes), the old weigh-in lady told me I’ve lost 11 pounds in four weeks on the program. “Make sure you celebrate it at the end of the meeting!” she urged.
“Uh, I’m not really…a celebrator,” I said, putting my shoes back on.
“But we need good news!” she sang. Everyone at these fucking meetings is as unswervingly chipper as a Disney World employee, like they’d be able to grin through a napalm attack.
Your first five pounds is a milestone, as is ten. Then 10% of your body weight, then whatever other goal you set. There’s a lot of clapping and “good for you”-ing when you announce at the end of a meeting whatever shit you’ve accomplished. Without fail, a few people will also chime in with a triumph so inane or idiotic it makes me wonder how they even put their pants on in the morning.
“This one time I didn’t eat a cookie!” Wow, really? Someone FedEx this bitch a Nobel prize, stat!
When we came to the end of the meeting, there was a long and awkward silence after the request for celebrations. Ricardo, meeting leader extraordinaire, stood gaping at the front of the room. “Reaallly? Come on, there has GAH to be ah leass one theen to celebray!”
I thought about it for a minute. It was raining, the streets were covered with that gray ragu formed by snow and rain and foot traffic, it was after work, everyone was hungry for dinner, it was silent and hot in that room, and it was the eve of Valentine’s Day. Fuck, I thought. We really do need good news.
As I opened my mouth to say, “I hit ten pounds this week,” the twat in front of me barked, “I GOT ENGAGED THIS WEEKEND!”
The squeals simultaneously escaping the Weight Watchers around the room resembled, to the best of my metaphor-making abilities, a herd of ovulating dolphins watching Bambi help a smaller, cuter deer tuck a sleeping kitten under a tiny quilt.
There’s no competing with an engagement for the attention of menopausal women. There’s also no substituting apple slices for Conversation Hearts on Valentine’s day, and girl dates are awesome, yet not quite as likely to end up in a serious make out session.
A very nice colleague bought Magnolia cupcakes for the entire office today to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I have been given a free Magnolia cupcake precisely zero times in my pre-Weight Watchers life.
If you’re wondering what my plans are for Valentine’s evening, me and Lionel are going to be weeping all. Night. Lo-ong!
(All niiight).
February 14th, 2008at 4:50 pm
this is my new favourite column on this website. can i even say this any more? i will when I HUGGG YOU IN PERSON TONIGHT but kathy, you rule. you’re writing is impeccable and hilarious. can someone get this girl a book deal? like wtf, you need to write a shutthefuckup advice book for the world of morons we encounter daily.
February 14th, 2008at 4:51 pm
***YOUR, i meant your. not you are. ugh
wow, i can’t believe i made a shitty grammatical mistake. i got like negative sleep last night.
February 14th, 2008at 4:53 pm
Congrats Kathy!! I am really happy for you. When I get back let’s borrow that guys italian greyhound and go for long walks to pick up men!!!
February 14th, 2008at 5:48 pm
i can hear you singing the “(all night.)”
no i mean… i can actually hear you singing it. right now.
February 14th, 2008at 6:33 pm
I’d take a ten-pounds less version of me over an engagement ANY day. Of course I don’t know the back story of this woman’s relationship and whether her weight loss had anything to do with her getting a boy friend turned fiancee’, but how sad is it going to be when they decide to procreate and he divorces her because she’s still carrying some of the baby weight a few years after she gives birth to their spawn?
February 14th, 2008at 6:49 pm
[…] Prior Lake American | Newspaper and online community for Prior Lake, Minnesota wrote an interesting post today on Waisted: Lionel BitchyHere’s a quick excerpt Waisted: Lionel Bitchy February 14th, 2008 Kathy joined Weight Watchers. Shut up. Because it apparently breaks some weight loss commandment to display even a scintilla of cynicism at meetings, Waisted is where she bitches about eating, not eating, oversharing weight watchers, and probably you. By Kathy Cacace [Archives] Happy fucking Valentine’s! Hope fat little cupid spears you all right in your skinny asses and you have lots of bony, pointy, sharp, gangly sex. Fuckers. In the song I’ […]
February 14th, 2008at 10:35 pm
Holy fuck I couldn’t stop laughing when I read this because (for those of you who haven’t Weight Watched before and may not believe this is how things really go down at meetings) it is all so TRUE TRUE TRUE! If I had a dollar for every inane “celebration” chime-in, I could buy the Skinny Cow empire.
February 14th, 2008at 10:41 pm
You’re still my favorite person ever.
*praise praise praise*
February 15th, 2008at 12:31 am
zhe’s amazing in the daylight, she’s amazing in the night,
once you see her, she’s the only thing on your mind
she’s amazing, she’s amazing, every time she walks in to the room
she’s a party girl, she’s a party girl
start dancing in the streets, cause she’s amazing
she’s a party girl …
I think Lionel may have written that song for you. I’ve taken to the streets; Kathy just keep dancing.
February 18th, 2008at 1:33 pm
I wanted to say that I always enjoy your writing and offer some support (as much as a stranger can on the interweb). But I didn’t know what so say without sounding overly famliar or like a douche (p.s. I hate that word). So there here you go: “I enjoy your writing and I think its awesome that you are losing weight because you want to. Good jeans are as good a reason as any!”
February 20th, 2008at 10:58 am
you’re fucking brilliant! and your honesty is so refreshing.
February 26th, 2008at 11:51 am
Kathy, I can’t cope without another Waisted update. I’m starting to take myself waaaaay too seriously. Before I know it, I’ll be swapping recipe tips with peroxide blondes at the next meeting. HELP.
February 26th, 2008at 12:00 pm
I promise promise promise an update this week. Anything you particularly want to hear about? I’ll take requests.
February 27th, 2008at 10:19 am
Well, meeting leaders are always completely insane, so hearing more about yours could be pretty damn entertaining. But really, anything you feel like “sharing” will be awesome and hilarious, I’m sure.