The Best of Craigslist Personals—Real Ads, Real Gross
by Kathy Cacace

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

click here for the time of your life – 35
Woo. Boy, am I having a great time.

I WILL PAY CASH FOR YOUR……..woman’s essence
Right. Because posting on Craigslist for used underwear is the time to get……..poetic.

GREEK MAN SEEKING ASIAN BIKE RIDING PARTNER FOREST/PARK WEEKDAYS - m4ww
Are you looking for a date or putting together a circus act?

I’d RatherLaugh With The Sinners Than Cry With The Saints - 52 (Metro NYC)
On the list of songs that might be slightly off-putting when trying to attract blind internet dates, “Only the Good Die Young” is probably pretty high on that list. You know what? Maybe stay away from “Purple People Eater,” “Stairway to Heaven,” “Whip It,” “Beat It,” and “Wanted Dead or Alive,” while you’re at it.

I’m in the mood to squeeze some boobs! - 37 (Brooklyn)
I’m in the mood to vomit in my lap!

i’m just here for the pixie sticks and hot pretzels – 43
It’s weird to discover that me from seventh grade at the monthly school dance has posted a personal ad.

male model seeks bright cougar – 28
For International Male shoot.

RACQUEL WELCH WILL TRAVEL ANYWHERE FOR YOU – 43
RACQUEL WELCH HAS MANY FREQUENT FLYER MILES
RACQUEL WELCH IS A GIVER
RACQUEL WELCH POLITELY ACCEPTS THE HOT TOWEL
RACQUEL WELCH WEARS UGGS WITH A SENSIBLE PANT WHEN TRAVELING

If Kevin James and Luciano Pavarotti had a love child…. - 32 (Corona)
They would probably give him a sit-com called something like “My Three Tenors” or “Covert Opera-tive” or “Lord of the Ring Cycle” and Mary-Louise Parker would play his wife because every fat dumpy guy on the planet gets a hot sit-com wife, because there is no justice in the world, now give me a fucking carrot stick instead of the fucking Ben & Jerry’s, because I am on Weight Watchers, because there is no justice in the world.

Breast/ass/legs man in need of a fix (New York)
What does that leave out? Aren’t you usually just ONE of those? Breast/ass/legs man requests you keep your repulsive elbows and ears covered.

WOULD YOU LOVE TO SWITCH PLACES WITH A MARRIED WOMAN ?
NOT IF SHE’S RHEA PERLMAN

A really cool online game I thought of, please try. - 30 (NYC)I’m thinking that like, you shoot little shapes at this wall of other shapes, and then when three of them touch they fall down, and maybe they should have a funny-sounding name, like “Snerds” or “Snoods” or something. I JUST thought of it.

He’s jut THAT into you!
Jut WHAT into me?

I Can Haz Date w/ U? - 26
INVISBL GF

looking for girls that like facials – 25
I feel genuine pity for the girl who answers this looking for a glycolic peel.

Freezing Man Seeks Human Sweater for his Weiner – 20
Two thumbs up. Seriously. I was gonna be all gross about it, but this is basically an Onion editorial waiting to happen.

Today’s E for Effort goes to a man with enthusiasm a-plenty (just look at all those exclamation points!) but, unfortunately, assualt rifles and grandiose delusions a-plenty as well.

I am AMERICAN BADASS! - 35 (Midtown)
No wusses, wimps, or geeks here… OK so maybe I’m a bit of a computer geek but my computer can kill people so it evens out…

So before you read on - here’s the deal… I’m a nice and almost respectable guy that you can bring home to your parents and everyone will love me - guaranteed.

BUT! (yes, there’s a BUT) My lifestyle is as follows:

I’m a survivor of the collapse of the WTC
I’m A LOT of attitude and sarcasm… so deal!
I travel the world on business and do some real crazy shit - consider yourself now warned!
I am a VORTEX for insanity… Example (true story): We’re out on a date in a really nice restaurant and suddenly I recognize that a known fugitive is sitting at the table next to me… I casually make a phone call while joking with you at the table.. Minutes later U.S. Marshall’s are on the scene (and I mean like 6 of them!) and the guy is taken in to custody… ho hum… just another evening…

Aside from the insanity, I’m really sweet, somewhat cute, slightly adorable, and look really hot when posing with a M4 Carbine Semi-Auto Assault Rifle.

I’m 35, look 25, and have been known to act 15… ok well maybe 18…

There’s oh so much more to tell about me but I’d really love to know some more about YOU!