Waisted: My Big Fat Journey
Kathy joined Weight Watchers. Shut up. Because it apparently breaks some weight loss commandment to display even a scintilla of cynicism at meetings, Waisted is where she bitches about eating, not eating, oversharing weight watchers, and probably you.
By Kathy Cacace [Archives]
“Cuhhcakesss…” Ricardo said, in that gay Cubanish drawl that will remind me of Hank Azaria in The Birdcage for all time even though I saw that movie once and didn’t even like it. “Cuhhcakesss are all abow feelinksss.”
It is my fate to sit in the back of whatever classroom I find myself in and never speak. This does not prevent teachers, professors, priests, magicians, and Weight Watchers group meeting leaders from looking me in the eyes and speaking directly to me as though they are ghosts and I am the only medium able to channel their desperate unfinished business to the corporeal world.
“No, I’m sssseriousss. Cuhcakesss are nah abow nutrishio! Cuhcakesss are all abow pleaashurrr! Now I gonna tell you how I make frensh toess for two poinsss.”
I joined Weight Watchers a little over a week ago because the results of my very rigorous 25 year experiment in social perception finally came in from the lab and, as it turns out, controlling for all other factors in a highly scientific manner, boys don’t like you for your brains. I tried to keep Weight Watchers a secret, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to turn down drinks and takeout without an explanation that isn’t “I don’t have any points left for today. Want to see the four books I have to carry around to figure out the value of every piece of food I put in my face?”
NB: I will slit your throat (with glee..with so much glee) if you talk to me about this in person, because your reaction is going to be stupid no matter what it is. Either you’re going to go all Up with People and say I don’t need to join and I’m fine the way I am, in which case fuck you, you’ve probably made out with someone in the last five years and therefore have no right to talk, or you’re going to be all supportive and proud of me, in which case fuck you, you’ve been pitying me for as long as I’ve known you and you can kiss my entire ass.
The other reason I think it’s necessary to come clean is because I think one of my bosses may suspect I’m in AA, although the idea of discussing weight loss at work is so cringe-inducing I think maybe I’d rather she thought I was a lush. I was really evasive about having a weekly meeting I had to go to after work and I’m concerned she’s going to start checking my desk for single-serving bottles of Wild Turkey.
But it’s too good. Ricardo is too good not to write about (seriously, I love him), and the same goes for the clique of chatty Cathies whose incessant group participation was about as melodic and informative as a troupe of yodeling walruses.
As difficult as the decision was to write about this at all, the decision of what to call the column was even worse. Rejected titles included:
Waiting to Inhale
Diary of a Mad Fat Hipster
Fuck You, You Fucking Skinny Bitches
Let Them Eat Rice Cake
The Fat Album
The Pounds and the Fury
lolfats / I Cant Has Cheezburger
Aside from deciding on the succinct “Waisted,” I’m working on this theory that every q&a session ever held–particularly meetings of a support nature–had at least one mouth-breathing, quip-rehearsing, Second-Life-playing, cheese-scented former Play-doh eater who will talk and talk and talk until they are basically performing the keynote speech Asshole U graduation. I don’t want to hear your recipes, I don’t care about your personal triumphs, your story isn’t going anywhere, and I wouldn’t go around bragging that your boyfriend buys you a present every time you lose ten pounds.
If my theoretical boyfriend tried to reward me into losing weight, the Make a Wish Foundation would be theoretically taking him to Disneyworld and wheeling him to the front of the line for Space Mountain.
Anyway, I did lose weight this week and it wasn’t too painful, and soon I’ll be so skinny I’ll be getting dates left and right but secretly resenting every boy because they wouldn’t have looked at me when I was fat. Can’t wait!
January 24th, 2008at 8:08 pm
[…] Open The Dialogue wrote an interesting post today on Waisted: My Big Fat JourneyHere’s a quick excerpt Waisted: My Big Fat Journey January 24th, 2008 By Kathy Cacace [Archives] I joined Weight Watchers. Shut up. Because it apparently breaks some weight loss commandment to display even a scintilla of cynicism at meetings, Waisted is where I bitch about eating, not eating, oversharing weight watchers, and probably you. “Cuhhcakesss…” Ricardo said, in that gay Cubanish drawl that will remind me of Hank Azaria in The Birdcage for all time even though I saw that movie once and didn’t even like […]
January 25th, 2008at 12:26 am
go kathy dont eat that cheezburger
will we be seeing you on subway commercials soon?
January 25th, 2008at 7:59 am
i’m a 1200 calorie diet.
i drink sprite zero! woot.
January 25th, 2008at 7:59 am
also, big or small
i wanna make babies mami.
January 25th, 2008at 11:54 am
thom
seriously
how about kathy does a subway commercial when you do a proactiv commercial
think before you type
January 25th, 2008at 12:31 pm
i like fuck you, you fucking skinny bitches much better
January 25th, 2008at 10:17 pm
i honestly wasnt being mean i am proud of kathy thats all i was saying sorry
January 25th, 2008at 10:36 pm
that was a stupid comment thom. and kathy said “your reaction is going to be stupid no matter what it is … or you’re going to be all supportive and proud of me, in which case fuck you, you’ve been pitying me for as long as I’ve known you and you can kiss my entire ass.”
January 29th, 2008at 5:54 pm
Ummm, if it makes you feel any better, can I just tell you that I had a guy actually look at me the other day (I got not just a ONCE over, but a TWICE over) when I told him I ran the marathon (he was all proud of himself for running a 5k and I mentioned to him that I ran the NYC marathon 11/4/07)?! You know what he said? Well, try this one on…
MFer (him): My brother and I just ran a 5k. It was pretty awesome.
Me: Yeah. I love to run. I just ran my first marathon. I’m in the off-season right now, so I can go out late and have a life for a few months.
MFer (doing a double take/twice over…stunned): Really? Wait. What did you just say? YOU ran the MARATHON? I mean, you look fine and all, but you just don’t have the BUILD of a runner. Wow. Huh.
End of Story.
Those of you who know both the “before the marathon” me and the “post marathon me” know that I’ve slimmed down just a bit (not a ton, no pun intended har har, but a little bit). I’m not completely sure what my point is, but I was feeling pretty good about my post-marathon self and then this guy tried (albeit, probably unintentionally) to rain on my parade. I had even reached a point where I felt at home/comfortable in my skin for the first time in a long, long time and then this MFer had to say something like that to me. I suppose I just don’t know when losing enough is enough, but based on this suck sandwich of an MFer, I decided that I’m finally ok with living by my own standards. I’d like to see this short, salt-n-pepper recent divorcee a$$hole MFer run 26.2 miles. Then he can tell me what kind of build someone who runs a marathon should have.
Does anyone know if there’s a group similar to Weight Watchers that involves changing behavior patterns for guys/MFers who make inappropriate comments where it isn’t their place? If so, please help a girl out. I have a referral I’d like to send their way…
Whoa, now. I just realized I wrote an entire blog about myself on your blog when I really wanted to tell you that it’s great that you’re doing something for yourself that will make you feel better and more confident. That’s all. You’re pretty awesome, lady. Truly.
January 30th, 2008at 1:15 am
I’m actually really excited that you are taking this journey and are willing to share it with your adoring fans. I do enjoy vicariously dieting far more than the real thing, though if things turn out well for you (as it sounds like positive results are already happening) it might be worth looking into for myself.
And I think I would have gone with “Fuck You, You Fucking Skinny Bitches” if “Waisted” hadn’t come up.
January 30th, 2008at 4:41 pm
i’m an adoring fan.
January 30th, 2008at 8:36 pm
I was pondering the title “Let Them Eat Rice Cake.” The Rice Cake truly is one of life’s biggest scams. It’s low calorie and all, but it makes a person look and feel as bloated as a Beluga.
April 1st, 2008at 8:09 pm
[…] we??ll create enough energy with this flurry of activity to wahttp://sattler-reimer.com/blog/?p=208JUNK Magazine the original, since 2003? Blog Archive ? Waisted …Jan 24, 2008 … Fuck You, You fucking skinny bitches Let Them Eat Rice Cake The Fat Album The […]