The Best of Craigslist Personals—Real Ads, Real Gross
by Kathy Cacace

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

LOST & FOUND – 38
FOUR LEFT GLOVES
A PAIR OF BIFOCALS
iPOD FILLED WITH BILLY JOEL
HALF A PASTRAMI SANDWICH, STILL WRAPPED, LOOKS OKAY

I’m free during the day… – 46
At night my rates start at $50.

What can brown do for you? – 31
1. Gross me out.
2. Make me an internet star, provided I can find a friend and a cup.
3. Give me E.coli.

Looking for my other half – 49
Last time I saw it, it was attached to my waist.

why am I single? … – 36
Hm. It’s a stumper, I agree, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that the rest of your ad isn’t quite reaching your target demo:

because i LOVE women
hopefully you do too

lets make a “baby” – 32
I truly cannot decide whether the idea of making a baby with someone off Craigslist or making a “baby” with someone off Craigslist is the less attractive option.

DR SUESS GUIDE TO DATING IN NYC – 38
I do not like it in the butt.
I do not like your hairy gut.
I do not like it in the can.
I do not like you, weird old man.
I will not do it in a cab.
I will not hesitate to stab.
I do not like to see your N00dz.
I do not like you, Craiglist dudes.

EUROPEAN MAN is looking for a Girlfriend! - 33
It’s a girl! It’s a gay guy! No, it’s EUROPEAN MAN!

CHOCOLATE CARAMEL HONEY THICK-a-LICIOUS – 44
This is the tiebreaking question in my favorite party game: Woman or Dairy Queen Blizzard?

Me —> Diana Ross hair with a Wayne Newton personality…. – 32
Me —> Totally floored that you’re single.

Keep warm, start a fire by rubbing my stick – 35
Sure, I would be just tickled pink to start a fire by rubbing a splintery twig against your stick until it’s actually smoldering.

Unrepentant Pagan Seeks Dirty Pirate Hooker - 32
For Second Life marriage.

SEEKING HASIDIC WOMEN WHO LOVE TO SIT ON A GUYS FACE - m4ww
OY VAJAYJAY

Today’s E for Effort award winner makes a good case for firebombing the entire city. Seriously. Actually, I am considering forwarding his post to the Tyra Banks show, because subjecting this twat to a taping’s worth of her particularly banshee-esque brand of condescending lecture might be a perfect punishment.

I can’t afford skinny chicks - 27 (Upper West Side)
My graduate degree has left me overeducated, but underexperienced, and thus unemployed.

I seek a cool, fun, smart, white, college educated girl, 21-39, with a BMI of 22-25, because she’ll be thin enough to be attractive, yet curvy enough to know I’m not expected to pay for everything.

Thanks!