The Best of Craigslist Personals—Real Ads, Real Gross
by Kathy Cacace

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

All I want for X-mas is a big black chick, a big black chick…….. – 38
This is actually the title track to the soundtrack from the little known Alvin & The Chipmunks XXX film, “Alvin, Simon, Hardcore.”

All I Want 4 X-Mas Is My Very Own Harem……
So I could wish a merry pimpmas!

MAKE YOUR KNISH COME TRUE
Baby, all I want for Christmas is Jeeeeeew.
(Jewwww, baby…)

Let’s start something now - 41 (FT GREENE)
I’m going to a picnic, and I’m bringing an armadillo!

I WILL EAT YOU,DO WHATEVER, YOU LIKE - m4w - 40 (nyc)
NO I DON’T LIKE

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggonit…. - 32 (Lower East Side)
…I’m gonna keep repeating this line until it works on someone, despite the fact that the whole country has moved on to other, slightly newer stupid SNL phrases to repeat, and Al Franken himself is so far removed from it he’s contemplating a Senate run.

Cincinnati Poet looking for Adjectives that Describe You … – 27
You’re interested in description but the most alluring thing you could come up with was “Cincinnati Poet?”

Christmas Bonus Is Burning A Hole In My Pocket
Seriously, who gives LAVA for a bonus? My boss is a SADIST.

love to suck on toes baby n lick ur ass - 30 (queens)
Toes baby?

START THE HOLIDAY EARLY WITH SOME ORAL FUN – 45
SANTA CLAUS IS CUMMING TO TOWN

Looking for companion over this holiday period! – 20
Think I found your soulmate.

BLACK MAN SEEKING!!! AN AVERAGE OR SHUBBY WHITE GIRL WITH SOME CURVES! – 26
Shubby girl?

Today’s E for Effort award goes to an ad that probably took more effort than the rest combined to type. The last line is the clincher, for me.

JUST GOT HOME DRUNK, I WANNA CHAT
ets chat about anything, still have a bottle of bacardi in my hand, hit me uppppp lets chat lol, holla ladies only ho ho ho merry christmas lol hahaha

but seriously thoghthgh hti me back , girls , so sewe we can chat lll

takk to you soon,

whoooooo

Today’s C is for Creepy goes to a man who posts at least three times a day, although each time he’s asking for a different, extremely detailed sexual scenario. This time, though, I’m wondering at which point this goes from funny ha-ha to funny, I thought the FBI wouldn’t respond so quickly to my e-mail.

Wrapped and Smothered
Layers and layers of plastic dropcloths, dry cleaning bags, tights and pantyhose, rubber gloves, vinyl mattress covers, christmas tree removal bags, countless rolls of plastic wrap. Emergency ponchos worn backwards with hoos pulled tightly over faces. Immersion in a warm, full bath, trapped inside an airless plastic bag. Rubber hoods without a single breathing hole. Trips to a local dry cleaner’s to ask the woman at the counter for a private suffocation.