With less than a week until Christmas and other gift-giving holidays having already passed, some of you may be in a predicament, having waited too long and trying to avoid completely disappointing your loved ones. Ever your saviors, and with some help from Christian Siriano, we brainstormed and came up with a super helpful last-minute shopping guide. Below, find a treasury of pure home-run gift ideas.

Gold sequined body suit. There’s basically no event you can’t wear it to! Wedding? Check. Work lunch with subordinates? Of course! Grandma’s cast removal? You’re fucking set. It’s one of those outfits that Stacy London would love you to wear a jacket with during the day, and by itself after work at “the club.” For “drinks.” With your “girlfriends.” Except, Stacy London, women with real jobs don’t do that. Ever.

Britney wig (with roots). We may all want a piece of her, but the only sanitary piece grab-able would have to be the one part of her body that we’re all positive isn’t naturally hers. Unless you want to take a chance on that derriere you’ve seen in the magazine, and risk contracting her “lifestyle of the rich and famous…” a lifestyle which probably includes taking three or more pills a day just to contain the outbreaks.

Thneed. Everybody do do do do do do do do need a thneed! There may be only one truffula seed left but fuck if I’m going thneedless this Christmas! Fuck the barbaloots! Club them and fashion me a killer collar.

Certificate stating you are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. Present this certificate for permission to take your clothes off around Nigel Barker without being arrested.

Hot boy lesbian. The thrill of a night with Dani and the joy of knowing you stole her from Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila is a lightbulb atop a popsicle stick. Dani is everything I’m looking for in a man.

Invitation to Michael Jackson’s childrens’ holiday party. It’s just fun to see children having a good time, is all. There’s nothing perverted about drinking from the giant mulled wine punch fountain they’ve been swimming in.

Audience spot at taping of Oprah’s Favorite Things. I want a car! And I want a car! And I want a car! And some Apple Bottom jeans! And a Canadian slave! And a whole bag of booger-flavored jelly beans! And Oprah’s gnarly toenails! And another car!

Cardboard book of LifeSavers. The kind that looks sorta kinda like a kid’s book until you open it up to find eight rolls of LifeSavers tucked neatly in there, and perhaps (if we are to believe Kathy) a miniature Little Golden book. Learn to read and rot your teeth, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good sugar coma!

Bosom for a pillow. Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow. Everybody needs a bosom.

Pony. Cliché, sure, but imagine your entrance at Oprah’s Favorite Things on a pony. In a gold sequined body suit and Britney wig (with roots). Fold Thneed into a saddle and you’re set. Choke on a LifeSaver.

Photo by Gwen Harlow