The Best of Craigslist Personals—Real Ads, Real Gross
by Kathy Cacace

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

GREEK MAN LOOK FOR GREEK-AMERCAN LADY if you or u know one rewart
It’s amazing how a typo of just one letter in this situation is the difference between a fistful of cash and a returning skin eruption.

Former Olympian
Yes, a very very special Olympian.

You’ve got the silver - 30
Please return the forks or we will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

***#1 CLUB PACHA W/ 6′4″ BUILT ITALIAN/HAWAIIAN STUD??? - 25 (Sheepshead Bay)
***#1 CLUB PACHA W/ 6′4″ BUILT ITALIAN/HAWAIIAN STUD??? - 25 (Manhattan)
***PACHA THIS WEEKEND W/ 6′4″ BUILT ITALIAN/HAWAIIAN MODEL??? - 25
***PACHA W/ 6′4″ BUILT ITALIAN/HAWAIIAN MODEL W/ A LAMBORGHINI?? - 25
I can only imagine the thought process that lead to these posts. “Wait a second…no one’s going to want to go to #1 CLUB PACHA W/A STUD from Sheepshead Bay! Let me just repost this saying I live in Manhattan. No, wait, even better, I’m a model with a LAMBORGHINI! So what if it’s my bed? Maybe I should take down the other ads? Nah. I need a whole GANG of bitches this week at #1 CLUB PACHA. This is the week they let me in, I can feel it!”

Heart of a poet - 37 (bronx)
Yet sadly, funk of a musk ox.

cold chritsmas itching sensitive nipples – 35
It’s beginning to look a lot like chafing…eeeevery where you scraaaaatch.

Spin the bottle?
No, see, this doesn’t work with one woman, because she will fill maybe 10 degrees of the 360 you need to fill to play spin the bottle. You’re in for an awesome night of making out with the light switch, or maybe the mirror. If you get lucky.

FORCE a man to cum in u !!!!!!! – 24
I was a little upset because I almost couldn’t use this. Like, what’s the joke you make about that? It’s nuts, but you can’t really mine much comedy platinum out of that one. Thank god the rest of the ad makes a pretty good punchline: “ive never cummed in a women b4…. LOOKIN FOR A WOMEN WHO WILL FORCE A MAN TO CUM IN HER… EVEN IF SHE AINT ON BIRTH CONTROL N HE AINT READY TO BE A DAD”

Looking For Me In A Girl
I bet you are.

BORDERLINE AGORAPHOBIC..but in my defense..I’m handsome…. – 33
I CAN’T GO OUTSIDE though…so I’ll slip a totally hot picture under the door.

Alanis and Matchbox Twenty - 22 pic
Oh man, I want to party with you, dude. Let’s maybe trade Lilith Fair stories over a Zima and wait on line for Counting Crows tickets.

Early Riser seeks Early Rise (GOOD MOANING TO YOU!)
This isn’t even funny, it just makes me fucking angry that this guy posts EVERY WEEK and then I’ve got “good moaning” stuck in my head, only in my head after a while it turns into that old Limp Bizkit “rollin’ rollin’ rollin’” song, but it’s “moanin’ moanin’ moanin’.” I HATE THIS AD.

I WILL EAT YOU OUT - 47
THANK GOD CUZ I AM TRAPPED IN A COOKIE AVALANCHE

Bored A&F model - 27 (Midtown)
Now ladies and gents, before you start e-mailing frantically with visions of the nearly nude Abercrombie Quarterly dancing through your head, I recommend a quick Google search, which shows that A&F could also be:
Arboriculture & Forestry Warehouse
Agrotechnology & Food Innovations
A&F Machine Products
A&F Complex Management (including pool irrigation)
A&F Tire and Battery

It’s been a long climb, but I’ve finally spelunked my way to the bottom of Total Pervert Cave. Today’s E for Effort award goes to the world’s most devoted son.

Mommy, I want to get you pregnant…. - 24 (Manhattan)
Mommy, I want to get you pregnant. Your breasts still look so beautiful–I want to suck them. I want to make love to you. I want to re-enter the place from which I came.
“Honey, that’s wrong!” you say, but the look in your eyes says otherwise. “What will people say?” I know they’ll adore our beautiful baby, and know that it came from love. It’s wrong, isnt it, for us to have sex? But it will be SO satisfying! Don’t you want to see how big your little boy has grown? Don’t you want to see what a good job you did–and have the chance to do it again?
You may be 35, 40, 45….but you want another baby. You crave warm, potent, forbidden cum in your pussy. You quiver in excitement and arousal at the anticipation of the pregnancy test result. And you know that your little boy, now all grown up, 6′2″, tall, dark, and handsome, always making you proud, is now YOUR man, is now making you happy in more ways than you ever imagined….