The Best of Craigslist Personals—Real Ads, Real Gross
by Kathy Cacace

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

Looking for Frolicking Fun with a Frisky Feline-You? – 45
I’m feeling faint at the freaky phantasm of your feely fingers anywhere near my fagina.

COME INTO MY WORLD AND STRIP YOUR FEARS AWAY - m4w – 50
Clap clap! Clothes are for another da-aa-aay! Let the Whitesnake play (clap clap)! Down at Stripper Rock!

Sexy Nanny Desire – 37
That’s right my little sugarplum, Sexy Nanny Desire says it’s time to get into your jammies and go to bed. Sexy Nanny Desire just needs to pull something a little more comfortable out of her bottomless carpetbag of tricks.

YOUNG ITALIAN Man to SPOIL Young BEAUTY - 31
With ACID because YOUNG ITALIAN MAN HATES BEAUTY

A DIFFERENT TYPE OF THERAPY - 52
THE TYPE THAT EJACULATES

Have had bladder operation seeking women to help me – 50
Sexy Nanny Desire will change your diapers with a wink and a smile.

Want to go so Beowulf tomorrow and grab a drink? – 28
Totally! Let’s pillage a bar and rip off the bartender’s arm and maybe behead his mother and then take all the drinks we want! That would be *so* Beowulf.

The skin on my nutsack is peeling
The thing they never tell you about the proverbial Mr. Right is that his first name is Peeling Nutsack. Thank you, God, for finally letting me see the light.

Something light but fulfilling - 22 (Manhattan)
How about a smoothie?

Let’s make each other nuts – 42
Sexy Desire Nanny would be happy to shell your pistachios in a negligee.

It’s raining, it’s pouring, my love life is ….. - 46 (Midtown)
Boring—but probably because you are quoting “Enough is Enough” by Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand and pretending like we won’t notice.

Interested in doomsday cults,transnational organized crime etc? – 52
Okay, a quick lesson in the use of “etc.” It is supposed to indicate the continuation of a logical train of thought or list. Like, for example, if I’m talking about going to the store, I might say I need all the usual groceries like milk, eggs, bread, etc. You can assume that other food would follow along that list. However. When you give me two things like “doomsday cults” and “transnational organized crime,” and then follow that shit up with an “etc.,” I have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. In fact, I had to open your ad to see what you were talking about, and it turns out your other interests are “emerging diseases,” “terrorist groups,” and “altered states of consciousness.” Etc. Maybe I should alert Homeland Security, you moron. Etc.

Today’s E for Effort goes to a man with possibly the worst first date offer I could dream up. The only way I could make this more unenjoyable and detestable is if he actually was that surgeon from Dr. 90210 who cuts the sleeves off of his scrubs so you can see his muscles.

COSMETIC SURGEON OFFERS FREE BOTOX FOR GREAT DATE - NO JOKE!:) - 39 (Flatiron)
i am a licensed, board-certified, ivy-league surgeon with my own cosmetic surgery center in manhattan

i am holding a botox party tom fri nov 16 but i have 1 extra injection as 1 of my patients cancelled on me

the botox product itself is very expensive, and has to be used immediately on reconstitution, so it would be a big waste to just thrown it down the drain

so, since i am also single, and looking, and a bit adventurous

i was thinking i could use up this last botox portion on 1 lucky lady for free, in exchange for her going on a date with me afterwards

note to AMA: this is 100% ethical, as i am allowed to give away my services as a gift to whomever i choose (like i give a free botox to my mom whenever we have extras, she just doesn’t need another one so soon)

so here is the type of girl i am looking for for this unusual date:
- 30s
- thin
- white
- very skinny and very attractive
- smart, professional
- outgoing, upbeat, adventurous, open-minded, liberal

we would go out for dinner and/or drinks (you are paying) after i botox you in my office at 6pm!:)

if interested please send a description + pictures, both full-body shot (to see if i would like to go on a date w you) and face shot (so i can assess if you are a good botox candidate)

looking forward to making you look 10 years younger for the holidays
and to a funny/memorable/unusual 1st date!:)