by Kathy Cacace

8:51: I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to sit here, in front of the fan, in my leggings, eating 99-cent popsicles. But the thought of a Britney performance going un-judged made my fingers actually itch. Thus, here we are. Some questions before we begin: Who is this British guy on the red carpet? Why has John Norris, a man I love unconditionally, persisted with the blond hair? Why did no one tell Paris Hilton that she literally has the same haircut as Betty White circa Golden Girls? Why has no one called out Nicole Scherzingschawartzenwhatever for being in Eden’s Crush? SERIOUSLY, how are the Foo Fighters still kicking? Shouldn’t they have gone the way of Soul Asylum by now? Is that guy from Linkin Park actually descended from rodents?

9:00: I am so depressed. The show started on a closeup of Britney’s terrible extensions, then focused on her slightly stubbly armpits, and then I realized she’s lip syncing and now she sort of isn’t actually dancing. It’s like watching a Cleveland drag queen whose wig isn’t bobby-pinned down well enough to permit actual head movement, or really any movement beyond some booty popping. This makes me want to eat an entire carton of ice cream, chain smoke a pack of menthols and have an abortion.

9:04: Sarah Silverman is like the English teacher you knew was sort of slutty outside of school, and sometimes taught class a little hungover. She just made a vagina out of her mouth and even Fifty Cent was like uh, ew.

9:13: Rihanna wins Monster Single of the Year. Her dress wins Monster Boob Dam of the Night.

9:21: When Akon says he’s going to smack that, I believe him.

9:22: Wow, I just realized that Bill Heder is my dream guy. He’s not my dream celebrity (Hi Adam Brody!), but I could ACTUALLY marry him and, like, shop for carpets for the guest room at Pottery Barn and maybe he would do his Peter O’Toole impression and we would laugh, laugh, laugh.

9:26: I’m going to circulate a petition or something for poor Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy. Pete isn’t even a backup singer! He’s just the tiny bass player! The whole band’s performance has been a long shot of poor, chubby ginger Stump followed up by an extreme MTV twisty glamor shot of Pete. Someone should slip him a copy of Hamlet–ear poison is the way to go on this one, I think.

9:32: Oh boy, Kanye and Fiddy present together. You could cut the tension with a noodle.

9:36: Adam Levine is an attractive ladyboy.

9:41: Rosario Dawson looks nice and all, but her completely uneven nostrils FREAK ME OUT.

9:43: Chris Brown is performing in a carnival set, like a mannequin/Charlie Chaplin hybrid, with a Hitler mustache. Which he just threw into the crowd, I think. Is your man…on the floor…if he ain’t…is he a Jew?

9:46: Oh, hi Rihanna! Wait, now she’s gone. Wait, now Chris Brown is doing Michael Jackson. Are they going to trot out his sideshow ass? No, wait, now he’s dancing to something else. It’s like someone hit Seek on the whole performance.

9:51: Dispatch from the commercial break: Who the motherfuck is Kelly Sweet? Jes says, “She looks like a cross between Mariah Carey and a pig,” which is true, but also there is a girl who sounds like this girl in every single high school. You know this girl. She is the girl who learns how to play “Winter” on the piano and sings it with her eyes closed during every student talent show. Please, recording companies of America: STOP GIVING THIS GIRL CONTRACTS.

9:56: “The Hills” hyenas present Male Artist of the Year. It remains to be seen whether they “present the award” with their mouths.

9:57: Justin Timberlake wins, accepts the award from Lauren Conrad, and then implores MTV to play more videos because he doesn’t want to watch any more reality TV. Sometimes life is a little beautiful.

10:01: Except Tila Tequila has a reality show in which she has 12 lesbians and 12 straight guys living in a house competing for her “heart.” Aaaaand life returns to the shitter.

10:06: Shia The Beef is what, like, twenty? How does he manage to look like the greasy uncle you try to avoid at funerals?

10:18: Who is Megan Fox, and why does she look like a porn star? Is she a porn star? I hate Las Vegas.

10:19: Okay, Timbaland, the Maestro is doing something. I guess being the puppet master of all of pop music entitles you to three precious minutes of VMA airtime where you do nothing but yell “Bounce” and “Put ‘em UUUUUP!”

10:20: Wait a minute, Timbaland. You can basically get anyone who has ever recorded music to come and appear on this godforsaken show, and you choose Linkin Park? Are you just phoning in LIFE at this point?

10:24: Fall Out Boy wins Best Group and Patrick is hidden behind a guy who’s not even in the band. I am so depressed. Pete accepts the award, and a nation of fat kids considers bulimia.

10:26: OMG I HATE SYSTEM OF A DOWN. The lead singer now looks like Frank Zappa and Lord Licorice from Candyland.

10:31: Rihanna sings “Shut Up and Drive” with Fall Out Boy and it’s oddly charming. Bill Heder, my future husband, interviews Kid Rock, who is dressed like an old lady at a square dance. Bill and I will laugh about this when we go out for coffee after a really nice Italian dinner at the place around the corner from our apartment with a clawfoot tub and original moldings.

10:37: Sam says, “Why is Alicia Keys covering George Michael as a goth flower child?” Why, indeed. I am completely confused by everything she does, and also at how her ass has managed to expand by at least 120% since the last time I saw her, while the rest of her remained exactly the same.

10:47: The whole country, in unison, just went, “Is Jamie Foxx wasted?”

10:49: God, they have that fetal alcohol syndrome case Miss South Carolina saying something garbled. Your fifteen minutes are up, such as, for our future.

10:56: Mary J. Blige, Peter Tork wants his haircut back.

10:58: So, Dr. Dre introduces video of the year and also his ENORMOUS NEW MUSCLES. It looks like he’s smuggling fifteen tennis balls in his shirt. Rihanna wins. Life is as it should be.

11:04: Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, some showgirls with fans. See, it seems like this can’t go wrong, but I know it will.

11:05: HOLY FUCK, there is is a dancer behind Nelly who looks like an actual mackeral. Her eyebrows are in her hair and her vagina mouth completely bisects her head.

11:10: Uh, and it’s over? I…okay. Sure. Whatevs. ‘Night.